Reviewed by Movie Moxie’s Alicia Glass
Studio: Tim Burton Productions
MPAA Rating: R
Director: Timur Bekmambetov
Review Rating: 8
Abahram Lincoln, the 16th President of the United States, runs the country by day and hunts vampires by night!
I actually enjoyed this movie, more than I thought I would, considering how long it took me to see it. As usual, yes it was available in 3D, and no I did not see it that way. Admittedly, seeing ole honest Abe swinging an awesometastic axe in 3D would’ve been cool, but it just isn’t necessary for the movie.
So we start off with Abe as a young boy trying to protect the ill-treated black brethren of his, and for all his trouble and humanity, gaining an enemy of a major vampire and losing his parents in the process. Fast forwarding to Abe as a young man, full of vigor and pickled in thoughts of vengeance for his parents, wanting nothing more than to kill the monster that took his parents away. After a miserable attempt, Abe meets Henry Sturges, who turns Abe into a vampire hunter in exchange for specific execution orders. Henry is another vampire himself, and while the audience is aware of this from the get-go, somehow Abe doesn’t figure that out until later, and they have a big row about it. Abe meets young and pretty Mary Todd, whom he will eventually marry, and begins awkwardly courting her while taking a position as a clerk in a General store with Joshua Speed. Will Johnson, the now vigorous young black man that Abe knew as a child, shows back up and encourages Abe’s interest in politics and abolition of slavery. There is much to do about the hunting by night, the courting by evening, and the living by day. Then, very abruptly even after major confrontation, Abe decides to lay down his whirling badass axes in favor of words as weapons, takes up politics, and poof we fast forward to much much later. Lincolnis now President of the United States, war with the Confederacy is nastily pending, Mary Todd is his wife and he even has a small son. Far too easily is this a setup, for vampires have long memories, as major bad guy head vampire Adam claims, and even demonstrates to the audience in an interesting flashback manner. Suddenly with the looming real threat to the Southern vampire feeding business off of black slaves, the Confederacy decides it really is all Abraham Lincoln’s fault, and sends him a clear, if saddening, message. It all culminates in a meant to be epic scene on a roaring train, that miserably for me, is actually the worst combat sequence in the entire movie. However, everything before that I thought was actually pretty darn good.
They tried, this movie, they really tried hard to give us all a good entertaining show. The whole 3D mess, Abraham Lincoln as a young man with his iconic axe but hey he uses it to kill vampires, that absurdly almost funny scene on the train and bridge, the “He did what?!” ending epic fight. Most of it wasn’t necessary, some of it really was entertaining, and every single last bit of it was over the top. What did you expect, the title warns all!
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