by Alicia Glass, contributing writer
Valentine’s Day is coming soon and everyone who can, should be with their sweetheart. What could be better than filled chocolates, something adult to drink, a fine dinner, and a movie before the prospect of getting laid? Most of us like the idea of a scary sci-fi movie that will make your mate jump into your arms, but we’d prefer that they didn’t take off like a bat out of hell, down the hallway and out the door! Love and romance are difficult enough for most geeks, so here are some movies to avoid if your Significant Other doesn’t have a strong stomach!
Yes, it is Ridley Scott’s magnum opus and still a very fine piece of film to watch, what with practically beginning the Scifi-monster genre all by itself. However that acid-bleeding black baddie (whose title is actually Xenomorph, not that they ever say that) is one of those absolutely petrifying monsters who never even attempts to communicate, and to whom mercy is about as foreign as eyeballs.
That iconic chestburster scene that happened during crew mess may ruin your appetite for like ever, so avoid Italian food or anything involving pasta afterwards. And in all honesty, it wasn’t until the sequel romp Aliens that our beloved Ripley took on the mantle of first female SciFi badass anyway.
So most people in this alternate post-apocalyptic timeline are looting scavenger-y jackasses, or neo-facist militia types with world domination (what’s left of it) aspirations. The Doomwar (which, we gather, was a nuclear holocaust of biblical proportions) scattered families to the winds and hope is a thing out of legend, until our unnamed drifter decides he can get comforts by posing as a United States Postal Serviceman.
Spending most of the movie as the anti-hero who gets the mantle foisted upon him by desperate survivors, Kevin Costner’s character avoids military service of any kind, scorns love and attachments, and just wants to make sure he has three squares a day and a place to sleep. Even the inevitable woman who approaches our Postman only wants him to be a “bodyfather” for her child. Though he finally does rouse himself and his troops in the third act, The Postman remains a bleak and sorrowful vision of a potential future that no one would want to share with their mate.
Poor Murphy: our idealistic fool of a policeman. It wasn’t bad enough that the villains almost got him killed, or that Omnicorp turned him into a walking cyborg with barely any human parts left, oh no. The scene in which Murphy demands to see what’s left of his human body inside the metal hulk is so heart-wrenching, and the knife just twists when he insists that his family never see it either.
What’s remarkably worse is that Murphy’s wife, his own wife, signed the paperwork and okayed the operation that turned him into Robocop. What spouse would ever possibly think this was a good idea, that it was something Murphy wanted? Because, we assume, Murphy’s wife thought it was more important to be able to protect your son from flying bullets than it is to be able to feel his embrace.
Carrie (ANY version)
The by-now standard Stephen King story trope of an abused teenage girl with telekinetic powers who wreaks havoc on her oppressors at a very bloody prom night, is hardly Date Night material. Unless you’re hanging with a really hardcore crowd, a pigs blood shower should in no way inspire romance.
Girl cliques can be just as mean as boy gangs, and there’s no need to remind your Significant Other that s/he has frenemies, just like the rest of us. Who wants to relive those horrid teenage years anyway? In every single version, the popular boy Tommy who actually decided to be nice to the weird girl, gets himself killed for it. There is no winning in the entire movie for any character, no matter whatever version you watch.
The Fly (1986)
Ah, Jeff Goldblum and Geena Davis’ on-screen chemistry cannot be denied. What can be denied, or should’ve been, was scientist Brundle’s over-enthusiastic use of his untried teleporter pods. We all know what happened to Brundle, too: determined to prove that his machines work, he loads himself in and ‘ports from one pod to the other, not realizing a fly literally got into the matrix with him!
Now Brundle is keeping a huge secret from Veronica, along with a collection of falling-off, I-used-to-be-human body parts, as he transforms into something else entirely! While it’s clear Seth and Veronica love each other, most women I know would have precisely the same reaction if their man suddenly started shape-changing into a damned insect-humanoid hybrid monster thing.
Even if you’re a little more freaky than geeky, date night movies should always be agreed upon by those watching. Tune in next week, when Alicia Glass presents us with the best geeky movies to see for Valentine’s Day!