elvira_mistress_of_the_dark_movie_poster002by Alicia Glass, contributing writer

The gothic hostess with the mostest (cleavage) wishes us “unpleasant dreams” with her very own feature film!

I love me some Elvira. Cassandra Peterson managed to make herself a career out of a skin-tight goth dress, an adorably snarky attitude, and doing the MST3K thing to bad horror and sci-fi movies; I always thought that was incredibly cool. Here in her first feature-length film, we see awesome instances of her sparkling take-no-sh*t attitude everywhere – how she kicks the butt of that bench-sniffin’ real estate letch who tried to get his commission in the sack, how she vows to get Chastity Pariah (what a name!) for turning the town against her when she’s job hunting, and how Elvira really does serve Patty up just what she deserves when it comes to the war of the boobs. We could all learn a lesson or two from the “use your despair to your advantage” attitude Elvira always sports.

So Elvira is out there in Vegas, wanting to have her own cabaret-style show where she dances and sings, but she has no money for that sort of thing. Finding out she had a great aunt Morgana who died recently, Elvira hopes for big-big bucks in the reading of her will, only to discover herself stuck in a very prudish New England town while she spruces up the house her aunt left her to attempt to sell it. Elvira’s unapologetic gothic horror look raises all the restrained eyebrows of the town of Fallwell, none of which she cares a lick about, but things really get hairy when Elvira discovers that her long-lost great aunt and her own missing mother (Elvira is portrayed as a forever-goth baby orphan) were powerful witches. Elvira’s own uncle Vincent and his stupid cronies are determined to get the book of spells that belonged to her mother, given in her aunts will, hiddeelvira001-730x365n by the newly-named punk poodle Gonk, who’s another a legacy of her missing family.

With accusations of witchcraft being leveled against her, which she never actually could deny (the “revenge is better than Christmas” scene is one of the best ones in the whole movie), the town decides to take care of their problem with a good old fashioned witch burning at the stake. However, this happens to be the same night uncle Vincent needs that damned book to become Master of the Dark, and Elvira’s standing in his way! What will become of our plucky indomitably-spirited black-clad heroine? Elvira shows us that even in the darkness, there is still plenty of fun and great joy to be had, if only you drop that disapproving scowl and let it in!